Bad Behavior, Dysfunction, recovery

It Took Me Right Back, But Only for a Minute

I’ve learned my lessons. I’ve done the work. I’ve purged my demons and gotten so much better about recognizing the people and situations that trigger me. But I was recently reminded of how quickly old behaviors can rise seemingly anew, whispering in my ear –
You thought you got rid of me, didn’t you? 
The scene seemed new yet very vaguely familiar. I wandered in with my eyes open but a pit in my stomach which is the first sign, if I choose to recognize it. But people and their manipulations have been training like elite athletes. While I was reflecting, writing, sharing and steeling myself against whatever may come toward me, they were doing two-a-days in their gym of dysfunction. I worked hard, but they worked in more clever and insidious ways.
It’s not my fault.
I didn’t ask for the wave of shit that came my way. I was just a hair too slow to get out of the way. But that’s ok. I finally recognized this person for who she was and had been all along, and I quickly built the wall as she attempted to scratch and claw her way over it. I found a renewed sense of what is right and what is dead wrong, and my own inner iron woman came out, building that wall so strong that even her seemingly relentless stamina couldn’t climb high enough or lift a leg over it. In the end she fell, tumbling backward and down to the depths that is her mania and at the core, a pool of her hatred for herself that she tried instead to slop on me.
Not today. No, not today or tomorrow or next week or next year. The wall is there for a reason, and on my watch, people like you will never be welcome.

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